Red One

The Plot: Callum (Dwayne Johnson) has been working as head of security for Red One AKA the real Santa Claus (J.K. Simmons) for a long time but is losing faith in the way people behave around the man himself. Making undercover appearances at shopping malls isn’t really cutting it for him anymore and he’s keen for change, much to the disappointment of his trusting boss. When there’s a security breach at the North Pole and Santa is kidnapped by Gryla (Kiernan Shipka), he reluctantly joins forces with bounty hunter Jack (Chris Evans) who was unknowingly involved with the theft. With Christmas at stake, they have just one day to rescue it…

The Verdict: In the opening sequence of Scrooged, there’s a spoof Christmas film called ‘The Night The Reindeer Died’ involving terrorists, a gun-toting Santa and a standalone Lee Majors here to save the day. It was meant as a joke, the kind of film-within-a-film that was in tune with Bill Murray’s TV executive and his cynical approach to Christmas. Nobody was suggesting that a full-length variation on it actually be made… but here it is in the unlovely form of Red One. Dropping into cinemas mere days after Hallowe’en, it’s a bit too early for Christmas films so one has to wonder if there’ll be an appetite for it. This early release (even ahead of the US release next week) is presumably to give it a proper run in multiplexes before finding its more appropriate, original home come Christmas itself as forgettable streaming ‘content’ on Amazon Prime. That’s all it is – just Christmas stuffing to fill a slot and as appetising as a stale cookie and gone-off milk.

The film’s script by Chris Morgan and Hiram Garcia doesn’t bear much scrutiny. It’s a simple case of two specialists in their field tasked with tracking down a kidnapped Santa because some Grinchy character called Gryla wants to spoil Christmas for everyone. This isn’t quite the Santa of a certain soft drink though. J.K. Simmons portrays him as a buff Santa who works out in the gym and runs a present-delivery service like clockwork with the kind of military precision that Santa isn’t normally associated with. Like an anxious celebrity he needs a bodyguard too which is where Dwayne Johnson comes in, delivering a typically stoic Dwayne Johnson performance. Chris Evans’ slippery bounty hunter bounces off him frequently, so that it becomes an unexpected buddy Christmas movie in which the few jokes thrown in fall flat. This is a script that takes itself and the characters far too seriously and forgets to have fun. Whatever remains is reduced to grown men engaging in a face slapping game with the creature known as Krampus (Kristofer Hivju). Monty Python did that a lot better and with a fish-slapping dance too.

Ah yes, the creatures. Director Jake Kasdan makes a vague stab at doing something Harry Potter-related by building up the mythology of the North Pole and its inhabitants by including various creatures and environments. It doesn’t really work though and relies on cheap-looking CGI to sell itself. A lot of the film really doesn’t make sense. For example, during the Santa kidnapping sequence, Callum calls for barriers to be raised across the North Pole town but it’s not clear why the streets have barriers. Maybe it’s to control angry, pitchfork-wielding villagers who didn’t get the presents they wanted or disgruntled worker elves who have to do overtime on Christmas Eve. It gets increasingly outlandish and drags on interminably with the kind of rushing-around plotting and dull action sequences designed to distract you from the fact that the film is really rather rubbish. Some $250m was reportedly poured into this film, but it certainly didn’t go into the script as it flails about looking desperately for attention. Maybe it went on the stars, like Johnson claiming a fifth of the budget for his fee.

Red One is the exact opposite of what a Christmas film should be. It captures nothing of the spirit and meaning of Christmas. Christmas has come early, but it should go straight onto Santa’s naughty list.

Rating: 1 / 5

Review by Gareth O’Connor