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THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART TWO (USA/12A/115mins)
Directed by Bill Condon. Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Kellan Lutz.
THE PLOT: More shit hits the fans, as proud parents Bella (Stewart) and Edward (Pattinson) have to rally their vampire clan to protect their half-human, half-vampire offspring, Renesmee, from the Volturi – the ruling council of the vampire world. Renesmee has been mistaken for an immortal child, and now, well, the Cullens have to gather some character witnesses. Who will testify before the Volturi that, hey, Renesmee is really one of them.
Who doesn’t want to see a fantasy adventure culminating in a fraught council meeting? George Lucas would be proud of such writing…
THE VERDICT: Hurrah! It’s the movie that brought us Jackson Rathbone! And Taylor Lautner! And Ashley Greene! God, this cast sucks.
Stewart has shown she has some kind of career outside of the Twilight franchise – largely playing variations on the theme of Little Girl Horny – but, given the string of flops he’s headed up outside of being Edward Cullen, poor Bobby Pattinson seems destined to become the next Mark Hamill.
This is, reportedly, the last of the Twilight films, although, I’m sure, once Meyer – aka Dan Brown In A Dress - struggles to have any other kind of success, that offspring could provide an offshoot. Either way, this particular film franchise is, of course, critic-proof. Dissing a Twilight film isn’t going to make a heap of difference. You might as well get up on your roof and tell the world that the new Justin Bieber record really isn’t all that rockin’.
Young and old tweens - and the bored housewives (Meyer’s 50 Shades Of Dull having actually inspired EL James) - will head out to this in their droves. Even those who know, deep down, that the Twilight movies make the Potter big-screen outings look like Heimat. In the US, this is expected to hit a franchise best opening weekend of $150m.
If you do go, be sure to avoid Mark Kermode, the ‘50s throwback having just come out, once again, as a major fan of the Cullen clan and their soul-sucking adventures. His main defense seems to be that, hey, this is a series catering to a major market, the teenage girl, and we should respect that. In truth, most people go simply because they’ve seen the others. I’ve met no sane person, young or old, smart or thick, who actually loves the Twilight movies.
But, hey, is it any good, I hear you yell. Well, it’s a little bit better than the last one. Which means it’s not actually that bad. If you’ve seen the others. And you’re a bit thick. RATING: 2/5
Review by Paul Byrne